The Things I Never Said
by AFireInTheShadows
Summary: When their relationship was cut short by tragedy, their love was put on hold for over 60 years. But now as Mush’s life draws to a close, they are about to get a second chance at the greatest happiness they have ever known. BLUSH 1899 Better then it sounds
1. Chapter 1

Hello.

Special Thanks to myAnti-drug-Race, my beta reader, for spending countless hours reading and editing and correcting my countless grammer errors (blame her for any remaining) hehe jk. In all honestly I couldnt have done it with out her. I gave up on this but she made me finish.(in case you cant tell she is standing right beside me ;)

Disclaimer: I sadly do not own the newsies. Disney does they own everything.

Rated: T for mild violence and implied slash.

* * *

I am dead. An incredibly depressing thought seeing how four days ago I was a young carefree _breathing_ teenage boy, and while my life wasn't perfect I never wanted it end, especially so soon.

I was 17 when my life was taken from me. My name was Garrett Ballet; better known as Kid Blink or Blink for short- and I was murdered by my father.

The day after I died I went to my funeral, which was an amazing feat in itself, because not many newsies get a proper burial. All the guys chipped in, and it hurt that I would never get to thank them. And for the next three days I have just been here. A ghost, I guess.

Death was not supposed to be like this. I am stuck here, where no one can see nor hear me. I have just been waiting for something to happen. Anything, I mean I wasn't expecting God to come down in a golden chariot followed by a choir of angels to bring me to the pearly gates. But I thought there was supposed a bright light or melodious music or something. It scared me that this was it; was I forever bound to walk the familiar streets of my life? Was I bound to spend eternity walking in the footsteps of the living? I was never a religious person when I was alive, and this was punishment, I guess. Maybe I should have gone to church with Itey.

I am hoping though that this is not the case. In all the old ghost stories they say that people stick around if they have unfinished business. I am hoping that, that is all I need to do. So now I am trying to figure out what it is exactly I have to finish.

Which is a lot harder then it sounds. I have a lot of regrets from even more mistakes. But perhaps I should start from the beginning.

I became a newsie when I was 14. Before then I lived with my parents until my father killed my mother and tried to kill me as well. I panicked and turned him into the bulls.

He hated me for it and as he was being taken away from the trial he looked over his shoulders, right into my eye and swore in front of the courtroom that he was going to kill me.

It was the only promise he had ever kept.

Then, after the trial, I ran to New York City. Where, luckily, I was picked up by none other then Jack "The Cowboy" Kelly. He showed me the newsie business- how and where to sell, he taught me the way of the streets. It was Jack who taught me to survive but it was Mush who taught me to live.

Mush had been a newsie already for about a year, we were about the same age. Mush took me in under his wing almost immediately after my arrival. He was everything I could ever hope to find in a friend. He was fiercely loyal, intelligent, funny and kind. He was the first and only person I trusted with my life. He knew what to say when I was upset, he knew how to calm me down when I got angry and he just always seemed to know what was going on inside my head. He soon became my best friend, my protector.

I always did what I could to try and pay him back for all he did for me but it never seemed to be enough. I often felt as though he was too good for me and I didn't deserve him.

I tried to tell him that once he just laughed, slung his arm around my neck and said "Blink, you're my best friend, okay? If I didn't like you, I wouldn't talk to you, but that, obviously, is not the case so drop it. Alright? You don't need to ever worry about paying me back for anything. I like helping you out when I can, and I know that whenever I need it you'll be there for me."

Three years later, he was still my best friend. We were inseparable. We had a bunch of friends come and go, but we both stayed. We always had each other and I loved him.

I loved Mush from the first moment I saw him. There was just something about him but I was afraid to tell him. I was afraid he wouldn't feel the same. I was afraid that something would happen to me if anyone found out because it was not safe to be a fag. So I settled for friendship. Stealing glances from the corner of my eye whenever I could. I told myself that having Mush as a friend was better then no Mush at all. It wasn't worth the risk. Or so I thought.

I didn't tell Mush when my father escaped from prison. It didn't really seem important at the time. I kind of figured that my father was from a different chapter of my life and could not touch me here.

I was wrong.

He cornered me into the alley behind Tibby's. He reached up with the knife and cut loose the patch from my face, and sneered at his handiwork. He was the reason I wore it, he was the reason I needed it. When I was eight I pissed him off and he reacted by beating me unconscious with a piece of wood. I'll leave out the details but I have been blind in my left eye ever since. It was scarred, deformed, disgusting and brought back too many memories. I always wore the patch.

My back burned as it was pushed hard against the rough bricks. I was so terrified I couldn't even hear what he snarled at me as he brought the blade into my chest.

The next thing I knew I was on the ground, hands grasping the wound. I felt my life slipping away as the blood seeped from the wound. It was all so fast; there was nothing I could do. It was like trying to keep water in your cupped hands, no matter how hard you tried it was impossible to stop it from slipping through the cracks. I tried desperately to keep the blood inside me as if that would keep me alive.

So many things darting through my mind as my life seeped away. But only one thing stood out clearly, against the jumble: Mush.

He was all I could think of in the last moments of my life. I barely even noticed when my father reached up once more and plunged the knife into my neck.

And that was it. In one moment my life was gone. All I worked for, all I had…gone.

Time- when I was alive there never was enough. Now that I'm dead its all I have. It catches up with all of us there is no purpose in trying to deny it. Time its just weird because you go through most of your life never worrying about dying. Death is just some off-in-the-distance occurrence. Always there but never close enough to grab you. But in the last few moments of my life I could actually feel time come crashing down on me like the ocean on the beach. And then it was gone. I wasn't confined to those boundaries anymore.

Now that I'm gone that pressure is too. I am finally free, but alone. And more terrified then I had ever been even in life.

I "woke up" a few hours later just in time to watch the owner of Tibby's find my body.

After the funeral I followed the boys back to the lodging house. I stood mournfully in the corner watching. There was a lot more drinking then I would have expected. Race must have snuck it in.

"Don't let Boots have that! He's only 10!" I shouted weakly but it was no use, they couldn't hear me. No one could even see me. I sighed miserably.

One by one, I said good bye to all the guys. I made my peace with each of them; I apologized for everything that I had done wrong to them even if I didn't remember it. I talked and talked but every time was the same none of them could hear or see me. I talked to every newsie in the Lodging house, all but one. As soon as I realized who was missing I knew exactly what I needed to do. I needed to find Mush.

It was so clear; I knew why I was holding on. I had to tell Mush the truth, which was something that I rarely did when I was alive. God, I was dumb!

I quickly walked down the familiar streets of Manhattan looking for him. I couldn't help but stop at my corner, my old selling place. I smiled. I worked hard to get this place, lost some blood and a tooth or two. It was worth it, I made a lot of money here. I wondered who would sell here now that I'm gone. I bent down to touch the worn cobble stone street. I'd been here so many times almost able to feel its slick but soft surface. I had spent so many of my days here. I had memorized everything there is to know about my corner, from the slightly off color stone that was three over from the big stone that was shaped like a dog to the small chip on the curb where a carriage had nicked it.

I kept walking down past Tibby's, the bookstore and the bakery. It was then that I saw Mush walking on the other side of the street, his head down. I crossed the street not worrying about traffic and followed him.

We walked for five minutes or so. But I froze as soon as I figured out where we were going, the cemetery. I hadn't been there since the funeral three days before. It was just sick to think about it, me standing over the real me…

I was impressed, honored and truly touched, that the boys saved up enough for a decent burial. This quiet secluded cemetery was exactly the kind of place that I always wanted to be…placed.

What Mush did next broke my heart; or rather the shadowed copy of what once was my heart. He collapsed next to the simple marker that guarded my final resting place, and cried. The tears didn't stop. Several coherent words slipped out through his sobs but "I love you" were the ones that kept echoing in my mind over and over again.

He loved me, how ironic. I never saw the possible happiness that was within my grasp for years. I never noticed the love we shared. I loved him so much, but was too afraid to do anything. I loved him and he loved me.

I would have given anything to be able to kiss him right now. I reached out to touch his shoulder, before I realized that it would do no good. I was not apart of his word anymore.

But I had to say something to him, the man I loved with all of my heart. And I knew I would continue to love him, even in death. I opened my mouth and let loose the words that hung on the tip of my tongue every day of my life. The ones that I never had the courage to speak. My heart filled words fall upon empty ears.

"All those lies, they seem so stupid now. If I had just told the truth then, it would all be different. I wouldn't be dead, you wouldn't be crying. We would be off somewhere together. Happy. But I didn't, a moments hesitation ruined everything. I could have told you the way I felt. I could have told you about my mother and my father. I should have, but it's too late. I will never be able to tell you that I loved you more then anything else in the entire world! Hell Mush, you _were _my world. I'll never be able to tell you how gorgeous your eyes are or how they sparkle when you laugh. I'll never be able to hold you or kiss away your tears that fall down your flawless golden skin. I'll never get to fall asleep in your arms. I will never get the chance to make you laugh, your adorable laugh ever again. I don't think I ever told you how much I loved your laugh, Mush. It was so vibrant, so you. It was youthful, alive but with a certain elegance. I don't know how else to explain it but I loved to hear it. I mean, half the stupid things I ever did was just to get you to laugh. But you don't look like your gonna laugh anytime soon. I wish you would, I hate to see you sad. Especially on my account.

I'm sorry for lying, stealing your shoes all those years ago. I'm sorry for that time I told Jack you were afraid of spiders and he put one on your pillow… But mostly I'm sorry for making you cry. I wish you would smile for me again Mush, just once before I have to go. You know, I always thought your smile was brighter then any sunrise. I love you, Mush. I wish I would've told you sooner…"

I knew that on some subconscious level he had heard me speak. And I knew he would be okay. He was strong, he was a real scrapper, and he could get through anything. Whether it be one year or 50 I will always wait for him. I will wait for the moment that I will be able to take him in my arms again not only as a friend but as a lover, a soul mate. When his time comes, I'll be ready.

I watched Mush as he stood up and wiped clean his face. I watched him walk away, towards the Lodging house, his life. The setting sun seemed to grow brighter and from somewhere deep within me I felt this compelling urge to walk towards it. I took one last glance at Mush over my shoulder and smiled. I would see him again. I walked towards the golden sunset. Each step I took it became brighter and brighter. A smile appeared on my face. The light was clearer and I began to feel different, a sense of peace flooded my body. This was it; my time had finally come. I was going to wherever people like me go. I would wait for Mush and my friends; after all, I have all the time in the world. Plus the bright side is if I get there first, I'll get the best selling spot. Cause everywhere has got to have the news right?

My time in this world was done. I stepped out from the shadows into the shining light.

Ahh… there's the light, now where's my choir?

* * *

And yes that was a reference to Shoeless by Arlene2. Ten points to anyone who caught that. Please review.

Tell me what you think. Likes, dislikes, comments, suggestions always welcome


	2. 63 Years Later: Second Chance

AN/ So yeah, this chapter takes place 63 years after the first one. I found the opening poem and thought it would go perfectly with this story.

* * *

Tomorrow by _ELIZABETH DORIS FRIES _

When tomorrow starts without me,  
And I'm not here to see.  
If the sun should rise and find your eyes,  
All filled with tears for me.

I wish so much you wouldn't cry.  
The way you did today,  
While thinking of the many things,  
We didn't get to say.

I know how much you love me,  
As much as I love you.  
And each time that you think of me,

Please know I'll miss you too.

But when tomorrow starts without me,  
Please try to understand,  
That an angel came and called my name,  
And took me by the hand.

He said my place was ready in heaven far above,  
And that I'd have to leave behind,  
All those I dearly love,  
But when I walked through heaven's gates,

I felt so much at home. When,  
God looked down and smiled at me,  
From his great golden throne He said:  
"This is eternity and all I've promised you."

Today, for life on earth is past.  
But here it starts a new.  
I promise no tomorrow,  
For today will always last.

And since each day's the same way,  
There's no longing for the past.  
So when tomorrow starts without me,  
Don't think we're far apart.

For every time you think of me,  
I'm right here in your heart.

* * *

"Why are you so excited?" Race smirked poking the jittering Blink in the ribs.

"It's time!" Blink couldn't keep the smile off his face. It's time. It's time. _He's coming._

* * *

Michael's weary brown eyes were hidden behind clenched eyelids as another spasm of pain wracked his withered body.

He took several deep breaths until the pain subsided.

"Sir? Mr. Meyers?"

Michael slowly turned to look at the nurse. He couldn't muster the energy to speak. The nurse seemed to understand, she nodded gently and fluffed his pillow and straightened his blanket.

"Should we increase the pain meds?" she asked softly.

"No." He rasped sinking deeper into the warm but uncomfortable hospital bed. The increased dosage of pain medication was pointless. The medication didn't make a difference. Not anymore.

The nurse, Mrs. Catney hummed slightly as she pulled close the drapes on the gigantic bay window. She had been taking care of him for two years now, and she knew him better then anyone. Because really, she was the only friend he had left, in fact much of his fortune was to be left to her in the event of his passing.

Sure Michael had friends but the last one, Race, had died about five years before. Michael had been about 75 at the time and it was too late for Michael to go and make new friends. So as old age threatened to overtake him, Michael had no choice to enter that battle alone.

Mrs. Catney paused at his bedside smoothing the blanket and briefly grabbing Michael's wrinkled hand giving it a loving squeeze. "Good night. Mr. Meyers."

Michael nodded. "Thank you" he gasped. She nodded, smiling, pulling the door shut behind her.

He tried to settle into what he anticipated to be an uneasy sleep. Murmuring a prayer, just as he did every night, for death to take him silently away before morning.

* * *

Michael was not aware that this night was different. He didn't know that there were dozens of people eagerly awaiting his arrival. He didn't know as he slept, that sometime during this night, due to a clot his heart would stop beating. He didn't know that his prayers were going to be answered in just a few hours.

But for those who did know, those hours seemed endless.

"You've been waiting over 60 years. What difference does a few hours make?" Jack joked poking the still jittery Blink who had not been able to sit still for more then five seconds.

"You have no idea. I feel like I am going to explode, I am so excited."

"I don't think you can explode." Dutchy contributed, looking thoughtful, probably trying to imagine an exploding Blink. Blink shoved him.

Race chimed in "Yeah. Yeah, we're all excited to see him."

* * *

As Michael slept, he was blissfully unaware of his alleviating pain. He fell into a deep sleep undisturbed by his usual arthritic pain. He did not notice that his breathing came easier, there was no more wheezing, and his lungs no longer felt like going to break. For the first time in 25 years he slept peacefully.

As conscious thought came back to Michael the first thing that he noticed was that he felt rested. He didn't hurt any more, he was also standing. His immediate conclusion was that he was sleepwalking again, but why wasn't he in agonizing pain?

"Mushee?" The word was spoken softly, almost a whisper.

Michael froze.

Turning slowly towards the voice feeling confused, the only one who ever called him Mushee was – Blink!

Michael's jaw dropped, his head was spinning.

There standing three feet in front of him was Blink. Looking just as he did the day before he died. But wait—? That was over 60 years ago. "What in the world?"

Blink didn't answer, instead he wrapped his arms around Michael's waist and pulled him close. _"Welcome home."_ he murmured.

Michael returned the embrace, his mind still reeling. Blink's voice, his smell everything was just how he remembered.

It was perfect.

Michael grinned, looking back at Blink unable to avert his eyes from the other man's gorgeous face, a face that he hadn't seen outside of his dreams for over 60 years.

Michael caught sight of his hand and his breath caught in his throat, it was not as wrinkly as it was the day before, it was taught, tan and looked very young. Shocked he examined his other hand too.

Blink seemed to understand "You look beautiful Mush, you always did."

And just like that those 63 years vanished, it was as if they never happened. It felt like it was 1900 all over again, they were seventeen, and it was just the two of them and nothing had changed.

Michael was well aware of the astonishment scrawled all over his face, but he could help it, it was Blink! He never thought he'd see him again. Blink threw his head back and laughed and Michael's shock morphed into a gigantic smile.

"I love your smile." Blink muttered.

"I know."

"I missed you." Blink said looking into Mush's eyes.

"I love you." Mush said not missing a beat.

Blink got the look like he was trying to suppress a squee.

He lunged at Michael hugging him again. "I've waited so long for you to say that." And a second later almost as an afterthought he added "and I love you too." Almost forgetting that Michael had never really heard him say that before.

Michael beamed. Still a little confused but not wanting to ruin this moment with more words, he instead grabbed Blink by the collar and leaned towards him, unable to withstand the temptation of his lips any longer.

But before Michael reached his target, there came the sound of someone clearing their throat from somewhere behind them. Michael jumped back looking up over Blink's shoulder.

Michael forgot to breath for a second and his eyes felt as though they were going to pop out of his head, because there in front of him was another sight that he had never expected to see again.

He couldn't believe it! A group of young men stood barely ten feet away, laughing and grinning like idiots.

Michael recognized them at once.

There was Race standing next to Spot Conlon, who died in the first world war. And Jack who died near 15 years ago, and David, and Dutchy, Itey, Skittery, Snitch and Crutchy. All of them were there! And looking no older then the day the strike ended. Mush was speechless.

For most of them he never even had the opportunity to say goodbye, and the possibility of being able to say 'hello' again had never crossed his mind. It was all truly miraculous.

"Jeez what took you so long? We've been waiting forever!" Jack laughed. Stepping forward to hug Michael.

"Sorry, I would've come sooner but—" he trailed off lost in feelings of complete and utter happiness. If felt good being back here. Blink's words were ringing through his head 'Welcome home.'

__

Home.

"Heya Michael, good to see ya." Race pushed through the swarming pack of retired newsies, who were all trying to welcome Michael simultaneously. Michael grinned at Race's familiar smirk.

"Heya Race"

Michael hugged the short Italian man. After everybody moved on, they became pretty good friends, and Michael really missed Race when he was gone. It was really good to see him again.

One by one Michael hugged the men who were the only real family he had ever known. The years spent apart was nothing less then a nightmare. A nightmare that Michael was intensely grateful to finally be waking from.

* * *

Michael looked up and for the first time was aware of his surroundings. Just beyond this little meeting, he saw the streets of Manhattan. It was not the contemporary New York of the sixties but rather the old elegant New York. His New York, where he had spent the best years of his life. And in the distance he could of sworn he heard the faint ring of a distribution bell.

"Come on!" Jack led the way down the streets of Manhattan, just as he did every morning back when the century was new.

Michael still unable to wrap his head around this whole situation stood still for a moment lost in his own thoughts as the rest of the boys pushed and shoved each other playfully while laughing loudly made their way down the old cobblestone streets.

Blink came up beside him and reached for his hand. Michael beamed at him, giving Blink's hand an affectionate squeeze.

Together they strolled down the street hand in hand, lagging behind the other boys.

It was eighty years since Michael had been brought crying and screaming into this world, and in a lifetime filled with pain and betrayal, the one thing that truly gave him hope was Blink, and when he was taken away Michael was devastated. Michael was always aware that there was something between the two of them, and it took Blink's untimely departure for Michael put the pieces together and realize that it was love.

Michael lived in regret ever since.

Now Michael had a second chance with Blink.

As they walked Blink leaned in and kissed Mush delicately on the cheek.

Blink let go of Michael's hand and took a step back, blushing. "I wanted to do that for a long time."

Michael absolutely beamed "And I wanted to do this" he laughed pressing his mouth to Blink's.

Michael waited 80 years for a kiss like this.

The kiss was soft and beautiful.

It was an clear expression of their love that words alone could not express.

It was a testament to the years spent alone in silent longing.

This kiss was trying to make up for lost time.

And it was truly heavenly.

* * *

The End

R&R


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